its not 11:11 but here’s my one wish for you in 2019

In 2019,

I hope that whatever happens you choose to love yourself and be happy. And not give up when you feel like those aren’t options anymore. You’re incredible, even if you don’t see that yet. I believe in you

I love you endlessly

xxxChips

Thank you for putting up with me, and loving me and caring and being you. Thank you for being the reason I didn’t give up completely, and for being the reason I got back up. I appreciate you. And you will always be more than just a pretty face.

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my 2019 goals|blogmas 2018

It wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that his year hadn’t gone the way I wanted it to. For the longest time I stopped trying, I just…didn’t see the point in anything.

Starting the year off that way, I feel, was the reason the rest of the year more or less continued to be filled with a lot of sadness and more-than-occasional self loathing. But I can’t pretend the year was all that horrible. I made new friends, stayed in touch with a few of my old ones, watched my best friend’s dream of writing a series come true and had the honor of having my name be in the dedication. I travelled, ate a corn dog for the first time, hit a major blogging goal of mine and opened up more on here.

There have been high highs and incredibly low lows but overall I’m not as happy as I want to be. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that sometimes happiness is a decision. There are bad days, that’s normal, but the only way you get past that is by actively trying to create some sort of change,and that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

changing my life in 365 days
a list of things i will achieve in 2019

Listen to new music

Music has always had a major impact on me. Recently, my sister and I were having a conversation about mental health and our lives and one of the things that came up was how changing the music she listened to impacted her happiness. To summarize what she said it was something along the lines of ‘it’s comforting to listen to ‘sad’ music but at the end of the day nothing changes, it’s just you listening to the same music and you’re just replaying the same sad events over and over again for months’ and that made perfect sense to me.

In 2019, I intend to say goodbye to some of the songs I used to listen to, in hopes that if I stop replaying the past I can make a future for myself that makes my heart happy.

Join a sports team

One of my major goals for 2019 is to get my health at a good place. I spent a bunch of time in and out of hospital being treated for anemia and it was the most frustrating thing ever. Mainly because I was too weak to do a lot of things. I stopped doing sport at the beginning of April, as some of you may know I ended up in a mental health facility or to put it bluntly, rehab. For some reason I just haven’t been able to get back into being active again. I stopped exercising completely, which is why I figure the best way to start is at full speed.

Friday 6PM

If you haven’t already seen my post about this super exciting, super special, super important blogging series I’m starting in 2019, you should.

I just…

I want to give this my all. I want to make myself proud, and make you proud, and start a conversation, and help people, maybe even be part of the reason they decid

Invest in my future

Save. Save. Save.

Learn Russian

I think I’ve said this before, nope, I definitely have but I’ve wanted to go to Russia since I was 3 years old. That hasn’t changed. In fact, I probably want to go more now, than I ever have before. I’ve been learning Russian for the past few months but in between school and life, I’ve completely fallen off track. I need to get back on the bandwagon.

Be more social

Over the past year, I’ve become more and more anxious about social situations. The thought alone of having to make conversation or be around people was enough to give me a full blown panic attack. This isn’t the type of thing you jump straight into, it takes a bunch of small steps and I’m willing to try them, I don’t want to do anything halfway. I want to be able to contribute to conversations again and not have to question what I’ve said or what they’re thinking. I want to be able to do public speaking and debating again, I want my voice back.

Drink more water

People always ask me why I don’t have pimples, and everyone’s expecting me to give them this fancy facial routine and I can’t because I don’t have one. Truth be told, I’m too lazy to come up with one so water has been the one and only thing keeping my skin somewhat under control.

Speaking of skin, Em Ford has this new series, Redefine Pretty which I definitely think is worth a watch. Whether or not, you struggle with finding confidence in your skin the message is super important.

 

Work on my mental health

I have every intention of putting myself first in 2019. “Mental health over every damn thing”.

Write everyday

This comes along with my goal of improving my writing. The thing about blogging, and just writing in general is that they’re a million different ways of doing it and I want to experiment with that. My writing has improved majorly over the past year and that’s solely because I put so much effort into everything that I wrote, and whilst at the time I didn’t do it every day, I have since July and it’s already made such a difference.

It doesn’t always have to be these long flowy paragraphs sometimes it’s just, this is how my day went and that’s okay.

Organise my life

The last time I remember having my life together was January, right after I posted my How to Slay 2018 blog post and then life happened. I want to get back to the point in my life where I had a system that worked for me because that made school and blogging a million times easier. I’ve already kind of decided on the system I’m going to use, I used it back in 2017 when my life was still very busy but having that system made it a lot less chaotic.

Anyway Blogmas is coming up so you’ll be hearing all about that later.

‘Happy things’ journal

I know Jenna Koenig had something similar to a happy things journal except hers was for art. Mine is probably just going to consist of things that make/made my heart happy at some point. I think the main reason I thought of this was because it’s super easy to think of all the bad things in a situation and you never really pay much attention to all the positives and sometimes you just need a reminder.

Start my own K’s journal

My brother has this notebook where he writes all his observations?? I’m 99.9% sure observations isn’t even the right word, anyway, it’s full of quotes and thoughts and the other day I found one in the notes section of my phone. One of the things I loved about reading that note was that I found it at a time when I needed to hear that kind of message, that and it’s kind of like everything he says/thinks comes out sounding deep and philosophical and I love that.

Which is why I wanted to start my own because he wouldn’t let me have his lol. I just think it’ll be really cool to look back on this someday and have this book full of things that I learned/ got me through moments of sadness/chaos.

Rate my mood everyday

I could’ve put this under work on my mental health BUT I tend to forget about this type of thing if it’s not written separately. I’ve been using the app, Pacifica to rate my mood for the past week and it’s helped majorly. Once you’ve filled in your ‘mood entry’ it offers a bunch of suggestions to improve your mood/day, it makes finding the positives in each day so much easier and I can’t recommend it enough.

xxxChips

What are your goals for 2019?

Lets chat (4)

 

 

a bit of a mental health update

I don’t want sympathy on this post, I really don’t. I just need someone to understand that whilst they’re days when I feel capable of doing anything, I still have days where I lie in bed thinking about how I don’t like my body, and how I’ll never catch up with school and how I wish I had something to say instead of having to constantly write posts like these when I feel like I’m drowning or overwhelmed.

I just, wanted things to happen a certain way this year and that didn’t happen, and now I find myself in between a mix of self love and acceptance and hating everything about myself.

And I can’t help but think, life shouldn’t be this hard, why is it so hard, why is happiness something I feel like I have to chase after?

But I have no way of answering that.

Recently I went to see a psychologist, my first one since moving and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. An hour of her invalidating my every emotion, and then her trying to discredit my diagnosis and saying I was more or less trying to make a big deal out of things.

I have only felt an anger that extreme at one other point in my life.

From the very beginning I’d been unsure about finding help in this country, and if I doubted I would get help whilst I was here before, well now I’m certain.

For those of you who don’t know, the official diagnosis I was given was Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and basically what that means is that whilst I don’t meet the criteria for Bipolar 1 or 2 the changes in my mood are still significant enough to be considered “abnormal”.

And whilst I was medicated for a while, that kind of got put on hold abruptly when I moved. To put it simply my views on medication are as follows:

If it helps: great

If it doesn’t: Maybe it’s not for you/ you need a different dosage or different medication

And since we’re on the topic of medication, there’s a few things I wanted to say,

I feel like a lot of people have felt like they were in a position to judge or make comments about me being medicated when they weren’t. See, the thing is UNLESS YOU ARE THE ONE STRUGGLING, 99.9% OF THE TIME YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THE PERSON WHO IS unless you’re a medical professional, and even they mess it up sometimes.

So here’s what you shouldn’t do when you find out someone struggles with mental health problems and/or find out someone is taking prescribed medication to help them cope with those problems:

  • tell them they don’t need it
  • tell them they’re over-reacting/faking their issues
  • tell them that they’re too young to have all these issues
  • call it a phase

(all of which someone has said to me at one point or another)

Because none of the things listed above are helpful, or supportive or kind. They come from a place of ignorance and lack of understanding.

So instead of invalidating their feelings, tell them you’re glad they’re taking steps to get help. Tell them that you’re there to support them, and listen to them if they ever need someone to talk to, and then remind them, because it’s so easy to forget.

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)

Dear Charliee-Rose #2

Dear Charliee

Today I met someone, well yesterday actually.

-2018/10/17

She’s unconventionally beautiful and it’s just… I’ve never felt that kind of instant connection to someone IRL, she radiates warmth like her name is the very definition of summer, talking to her feels familiar, exciting. She’s got this gorgeous soul and you can tell she’s genuinely interested in making you feel loved and comfortable. With her it’s like free falling but you know she’ll always catch you. She speaks four languages, Turkish, Turkmen, English and Russian and I think that’s pretty cool-that she took the time to learn all that. She wants to be an English teacher someday, and that made me really happy, idk why, maybe it’s completely unrelated, but for as long as I can remember my English teachers have always been the most inspirational, creative, wonderful human beings. I had a 15 minute conversation with her, and that’s short but she changed a lot of things for me and not many people have that ability. She makes me want to be better

-a conversation with M

x

Lets chat (3)

Dear Charliee-Rose #1

Dear Charliee

Sometimes I stop processing things, and other times my thoughts are so large I feel like my head is this infinite space I have no way of fully exploring and finding out more about. I get these dreams sometimes, they make my head spin and when I wake up everything goes fuzzy ’round the edges and it’s like for a second, just one second, despite it all, everything’s perfect.

And then I write them down because… Charliee, I want every atom in me to remember.

-2018/09/12

I haven’t been dreaming lately and I miss that. I miss waking up with a slightly achy feeling in my heart and a ghost of a smile on my lips at the memory of how real everything felt in the moment. Like the sky could’ve been pouring down gasoline but the memory would make everything perfect

x

Lets chat (4).png

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boy talk

Over the past few years mental health has become a topic that more and more people are talking about. And that’s great, because we’ve been silent about it for too long. However, it’s come to my attention that we aren’t talking. Not really. Because we seem to be forgetting that mental health issues affect everyone. And it seems that people think mental health disorders are only affect woman. That mental health disorders are selective.

They’re not.

I know a lot of guys that are expected to act a certain way because guys can’t cry. And guys can’t show their feelings because it’s unmanly. Because it makes them weak.

NEWS FLASH FOR ALL OF THE MALES WHO DIDN’T KNOW OR WERE TOLD OTHERWISE:

Having feelings and needing help and having mental health issues, doesn’t make you weak.

It makes you human.

In a world where girls are brought up being told to use their words, boys are told to “man up” and”grow a pair”. We forget that boys have problems too, gender bias is causing us to neglect the mental health of boys everywhere. And that needs to change.

Boys feel insecure

Boys get bullied

Boys cry

Boys.Have.Mental.Illnesses

We live in a society where boys are told to conform to this unrealistic macho man image. And we need to wake the hell up and start addressing it. Because this is bullshit. Because this is not okay.

Mental health affects everyone. So to every single male out there, a small reminder that struggling with mental health doesn’t make you weak, so fuck anyone who made you feel like you had to be silent about it.

-C

Currently listening to, 44 More by Logic

(Originally posted on my other blog, Klexos)