Friday 6PM, Journal

FRIDAY 6PM

FRIDAY 6PM (1)

It’s been a hot minute since I last posted anything BUT I have an excuse perfectly good reason. I’ve had this idea in my head for a while now and I’ve been trying to tie up a bunch of loose ends surrounding it because when this launches I want it to be every bit as raw and real and incredible as I’ve been envisioning it for the past 2 months.

I started blogging because I needed a space where I didn’t feel restricted when it came to voicing my opinions and sharing my emotions and I found that, I found this amazing community of people who’ve changed my perspective about and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

I’m a better person because of those people.

From the very beginning, mental health was always something I wanted to talk about because it’s something very close to my heart and something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Right from the get go I told myself that someday I would talk about my own issues, that, I would do it regardless of what anybody else thought because it needs to talked about. It’s something millions, if not billions of people struggle with and there’s still such a lack of understanding and awareness and of course, a stigma surrounding it.

Friday 6PM

~A series coming out in 2019 where I interview people~

We talk about things like identity, self care, loneliness, therapy, disability, high school experiences, stress, bullying, toxic relationships, friends, anxiety, depression, body image, middle school, self love and their lives(goals, who they are etc.)- that and pretty much anything else you can think of related to mental health or life

The goal, I would say, is to talk about the things that matter to us, to have a place where it’s okay to start a conversation and you don’t have to tiptoe around a subject. I can’t possibly do this alone though so, if you could:

a) Comment the name and links of someone you’d like me to interview, this can be anyone (that includes you)

and

b) Ask a question, about one of the above topics or any other question you want answered in the comments

it would mean a whole lot

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)

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Journal, Thoughts

Dear Charliee-Rose #1

Dear Charliee

Sometimes I stop processing things, and other times my thoughts are so large I feel like my head is this infinite space I have no way of fully exploring and finding out more about. I get these dreams sometimes, they make my head spin and when I wake up everything goes fuzzy ’round the edges and it’s like for a second, just one second, despite it all, everything’s perfect.

And then I write them down because… Charliee, I want every atom in me to remember.

-2018/09/12

I haven’t been dreaming lately and I miss that. I miss waking up with a slightly achy feeling in my heart and a ghost of a smile on my lips at the memory of how real everything felt in the moment. Like the sky could’ve been pouring down gasoline but the memory would make everything perfect

x

Lets chat (4).png

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Journal, Midding, Thoughts

Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~

That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

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Journal, Thoughts

creatvity… well losing it actually

Inspired by: Abi

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I’ve recently come to the realisation that I’ve lost my muchness. Any Alice In Wonderland lovers will understand where that first sentence came from. Which is why I’m trying something new but also bringing back something old. I’m not sure how many of you saw my last post, you can find it here. But it felt a lot like me last year. It’s important to grow as a person but I’m not growing if I leave behind my roots. My creative side.

Since the start of this blog, I’ve planned less than a quarter of all the posts on here. And I love that. I love how I  sit down whilst watching Netflix, scoffing down popcorn, sprawled on the couch and then I write. Because I think a thought which makes think. About a lot of things and I end up with posts like this:

SO THIS HAPPENED…

Which make me really proud and happy. So I’m trying some new stuff, lol, I love how I’ll forget I said that in like two days and then remember like two years from now.

BUTTTT

I’m trying some new and not-so-new stuff and we’re going to see where it goes from there.

LOVE YOUUUS

xxxChips

Lol, when the only consistent thing in your life is your mood swings

 

Lets chat (4)

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Journal, Thoughts

a few thoughts on 2018 so far

Basically things I’ve thought this year:

  • well dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
  • how did i end up in this mess
  • well this has been fun….
  • no.no.no.no.no
  • arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • excuse me while i go eat cake
  • some people change everything in the best way
  • take me back to middle school asseblief tog(please)
  • lol
  • hecticccccc
  • singing is fun
  • i should probably read sometime soon
  • well i’ve officially given up on planners
  • i’m turnip goals, lol
  • this is why i can’t take you to nice places lol (a conversation with myself after dancing weirdly in my room)
  • anti-social social club peeps
  • snapchat is so much better when you just post whatever you want
  • you suck at saving
  • you should probably save that
  • i’m off to buy R500 worth of cake byeeeeee (lol this is a lie, we both know i haven’t had money in my bank account since 1452)
  • you should probably find a hobby
  • i should probably stop finishing my aunt’s wifi
  • how do i always end up losing my lip balm
  • you don’t go out much
  • why am i always so tense
  • you really and truly are incapable of curling your hair
  • eating ice cream for breakfast is important and beneficial
  • you can’t even cook an egg, that’s just sad
  • you can’t cook period
  • that last bullet point sounded wrong on so many levels
  • lol, you’re strange
  • who knew having 18GB of music might be a problem in the long run
  • speaking or runs when was the last time you did one of those
  • does running to the fridge count

Lets chat

xxxChips

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Thoughts

tainted feelings…

I seem to have lost someone incredibly important to me. Have you seen her? I’ve ruined our friendship and I don’t think she’ll come back. I don’t think she should either. I always get these surges of underlying uncertainty but really my brain keeps shouting at me all the things I already know like “You do deserve her!” “You deserve to be happy” and I don’t know how to feel about that. I know for a fact a few months ago I would’ve been bawling my eyes out by now but now everything’s tainted. Nothing is what it is. It’s always… less.


It’s like my feelings have been diluted with something I can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s not that I don’t feel motivated, but I can’t say I’m full of energy at the moment either. I’m not sad, I’m not angry nor irritated I’m just…not, anything. My feelings are so detached from me at the moment. The only time I truly feel happiness is when I get emails from a best friend of mine.

I’m not sure if I should post this or not. Only because my moods change so quickly, thanks mood disorder I love you so much😒 That I could post this now and feel completely different 5 minutes later. Ugh. This is all so confusing!!!

On the bright side I’ve been writing more lately I’ve written a few poems and started attempting to write a short story, I’ve finished watching a comedy on Netflix (an attempt to brighten my mood. Ps it worked) and spent some time watching my favourite childhood movie: Alice In Wonderland!

Do you ever feel like you grew up too fast. Not as in, oh my gosh the years have gone by so fast, it feels like only yesterday that I was in grade 1. More like I’m 99.9% certain that I’m a 30 year old in a 13 year olds body.

I seriously can’t remember a time I didn’t feel older than people the same age as me. Maybe that’s why I find it easier to have conversations with people older than me. Truthfully I forget, that I’m younger than some of my friends our relationships seem so different to my relationships with my peers.

I’ve always felt older than I am. Have any of you experienced this?

xxxChips

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Journal

i’ve come to the realisation that…

This is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while…

I’m not a typical blogger.

To be fair none of us are, lol.

I used to get so frustrated with myself because I wasn’t posting the type of things that got a lot of views aka. all the topics really popular bloggers were writing about. So like two weeks ago I sat down with myself and I said,

Also just a disclaimer: I call myself names a crap load of names, they are not words everyone would deem as ‘nice’ and it’s always been and always will be out of love for myself. Also I talk to myself and then lecture myself from other people’s POV’s and I can’t word things correctly at all lol, so I hope the next bit isn’t to confusing. Anyway… I sat down with myself and said,

“Listen hoe, you need to come to the realisation that you are never going to be like X, Y and Z. We both know you don’t care enough about fashion to be a fashion blogger and you can’t even put on mascara without poking your eye out so beauty blogging is out of the question. And will be for a very long time. You get so angry with yourself because you’re not ‘like’ them. Lol, bruv, have you met you you’re not like anyone, you’re like the cutest weirdo ever. There isn’t a single post on my blog that I regret posting, and I can proudly say that I am damn proud of every single post I’ve ever bloody written. You are never going to be like them. The truth is, I don’t want you to be. I want you to post about the randomest things that you feel like ranting about and use all the big words you’ve learnt and talk about things that I care about. But you’re a damn good writer, and a pretty awesome blogger too, and you’ve become friends with the some of the most incredible people on the planet. They know you.

The real you. And they accept you. For the weird, crazy, bubbly, loud-mouthed, strange, lover of big words and cheesecake of a person you are.

Best believe, that’s not changing for anyone.”

xxxChips

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