.Stress

I’m rarely speechless so this is kinda rare for me. First of all I want to say sorry. Maybe to you but maybe more to me because I can’t be bothered. To write or do homework or study for exams that will either be the reason I get a distinction or fail and have to repeat this year.

“I had a panic attack” but those happen often enough so I won’t go into details, I started drawing this really amazing picture in art and came to the realisation that I might fail History. A lot has happened and I’m tired.I’m one link away from posting a blog post for you and I can’t be bothered anymore and I’m sorry, so sorry.Do you ever feel extremely overwhelmed and have absolutely no idea why, because it’s nothing…but it’s everything. Well that’s how I feel at the moment exams are in a few weeks so I won’t be uploading for a while but I promise that after exams I have 23 pre-written posts just waiting to be published (and hey, maybe I could do a post a day!)

So for now tired me has a lot to say but I can’t right now because I will pass. I will pass if it kills me to do so and I end up studying till 2 am, have a permanent writer’s cramp and am stressed out of my mind. I’m realising that this badass thing isn’t easy, but then again, I never wanted it to be.

xxxChips

Confusion

Heyy guys,

Wow. This is actually kinda hard to type. It’s just…

So yesterday I was up watching Shooter till like around 11 and then I went to bed and I woke up at like 8ish(which is actually really late for me). I don’t wanna say I woke up in a bad mood but I wasn’t exactly in a good one either, so let’s just call this mood GYST mode coz I was feeling really productive and I wrote my to-do list and I studied made study notes for math and NS(science)and I was just having a great day! I honestly don’t even know why I’m in such a bad mood because I just bought another book, ‘Milk and Honey’ and I’ve been dying to read it ever since I first heard about it! I like, just got home and I watched a few Youtube videos and I was just like ‘Okay, time to do schoolwork’. And I like couldn’t if you get what I mean. The school term is pretty much over which means we’re pretty much done with the third term’s work but we’ve started term 4’s work because it’s a short and busy term coz of exams (we write 13 btw). I just feel so stressed, and I don’t even know why.And I honestly just want to cry, but I’m soo tired of crying and feeling sad . And uhhm… I’m kinda worried my term mark because I know I didn’t do well, and it’s so frustrating!!!Like I was soo angry at myself when I got my report back at the end of term 2 and I promised myself I would work harder, and I did and I tried hard, but it’s all just too much.Like tests and projects and homework and blogging and me wanting to start a Youtube channel, and I really don’t want to start moaning and crying about what’s going on but I just feel so stressed. And it’s like I can’t even think straight anymore. I just want it to stop. Like, where is the big pause button I need??? Like at what point… at what point does it all just stop!So what I said I would do, and this is going back to the schoolwork side of things is like catch up because I feel like I’m falling behind and I like was in 3  4subjects:

Math

Tech

NS

and Afr(Afrikaans)

So I borrowed my friends’ books and I got some textbooks from my teachers(they generally keep them coz our parents complain about the weight of our bags). But yeah I caught up and honestly, I know it’ll be worth it, not just like with exams coming up but like…I was awake till one and I don’t see the results. And now I’m crying again even though I said I wouldn’t but it really, it really and truly does suck.To sit at a desk till one working hard and catching up, failing a test and then sitting in class feeling so dumb for not understanding the work and begging myself not to cry in front of my class. And with Afrikaans, I work hard, and we get given tests and I don’t understand a single thing anymore.

I just feel so dumb.

And I’m sorry if this wasn’t the post you were expecting but I really needed to get this off my chest. And I didn’t know I felt all this stuff till I wrote it down so I’m kinda glad I did but I just want you to know that it’s okay to have flaws, it’s okay to be real with people. You don’t have to act around people, and if you have stuff going on talk to someone coz internalizing your feelings isn’t going to get you anywhere. It’s not going to help you.It’s going to tear you apart mentally and you won’t even understand why.

Uhm. I just want to say that whatever you’re going through, it’s going to be okay.

TODAY’S SONG:Orlando-XxxTentacion

I love you guys

-Chips

hufuhffuihvihvndjwi|Still figuring things out

Hey!

That sounded so fake (soz). I’ve had like the busiest week ever, yesterday I was up at 1am finishing homework and today will probably be the same. Did I mention I have an assessment tomorrow? The spring dance is on Friday, so is civvies day and cake and candy (basically an opportunity for us to dress up and eat sweets), I have a project due for tomorrow. And guess what! I’m not done! And there’s an essay! YAY! she said wishing she could be homeschooled. We have another project coming up that makes up our entire term mark for business (we call it EMS). And guess who decided to show up!!! When was the last time I read something that wasn’t a textbook??? Like honestly!!! YOU. HAVE. GOT.TO.BE.KIDDING. (I have math homework.)

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL:

1. SPRING DANCE
2. CIVVIES DAY
3. I BOUGHT A BOOK!!!
4. I HAD NANDOS TODAY!
5. I MIGHT BE WATCHING A MOVIE WITH MY FRIENDS ON SATURDAY
6. I’VE DONE SO MUCH WORK AND AM LIKE A GAZILLION STEPS CLOSER TO WHERE I WANNA BE WHICH IS………

I hope you guys are having a great week, hopefully not as stressful as mine! I would love to stay and chat but I’m tired and I have a presentation that I need to do.zzzz

xxxChips