self lo(ve)(athing)

Might Delete later

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about. Loving and loathing. Myself.

It’s something I’ve been becoming more and more aware of lately. For example recently I posted a photo of myself of my Instagram:

And in this moment, despite the fact that I wasn’t smiling, I was happy. I liked my appearance and how I felt, I liked my edgy hairstyle and the way my cousin’s hoop earings (that I originally didn’t think I could pull off) suited me.

Fast forward to two days later (today) and another cousin of mine and I decide to have a phtoshoot. And at first I’m excited because I feel pretty, and confident and all those other wonderful thigs you should feel when you’re channeling your inner model best friend

But that changes pretty quickly. As I look back on the photos, which I had felt so happy about at first, I begin to notice all the things I hate about myself.

My stomach for one. My flabby, strechy, grossly unattractive stomach.

And so I downloaded FaceTune, which if you don’t know, is a photo editing app where everyone covers up their biggest insecurities not limited to teeth and flabby stomachs.

And halfway through the editing process I paused and I swear in that moment I hated myself a little more.

I’m a big believer that everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to love themselves. And here I was, trying to make my stomach look smaller.

So I stopped and deleted the app. And now I’m hiding out in a room in my aunt’s house, reading some previous Friday 6PM posts on body image as Mac Miller’s voice comforts me.

Thinking about that makes me think about all the times I’ve missed meals (partly because of lack of appetite, partly because I still can’t get the image of how much smaller I used to be out my head) and the other times I would be so sad that I would eat and eat until I felt so disgusted with myself that I would refuse to leave my room.

It just sucks.

I’m so aware of everything I do that I realise in the moment that what I’m doing isn’t healthy and continue to do it anyway.

I mean pro: acknowledging this means I can change that

Con: it still means for now I still lack positive body image

Here is the photo regardless because as much as I hate my body, I’d hate myself more if I didn’t share this regardless

xxxChips

*all credits go the owner for the featured image

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what i’ve been listening to lately

🌙

where do i go? //VAGUE003

“all those, all of the pieces that they’ll, they’ll never show”

the motion //Drake

“when they need a favor from your man, they don’t leave you alone
but i guess that’s just the motion, yeah
….
then that phone doesn’t ring
when they got everything, that’s the motion”

can’t get happy(demo)//kailee morgue

“but my brothers gettin’ taller and I’m only feeling smaller”

“do you think that you could love me if i can’t get happy”

“I’m scared I might fade away if no one tells me I’m okay”

serial killer //Lana del Rey

“do it for the thrill of the rush”

stupid deep //Jon Bellion

“what if all the things i’ve done were just attempts at earning love”

Shutter Island //Jessie Reyez

“My straight jacket’s custom-made though”

“For a second I forgot I was a bad b*tch”

monster(under my bed) //Call Me Karizma

“monster, monster under my bed come out and play ‘coz i need a friend”

sweater weather //The Neighbourhood cover by Korantemaa

“head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered”

dna //Lia Marie Johnson

“they look at me like i look at you”

it’s not you it’s me //bea miller

“i’m leaving you for me”

🌙

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)

a million little pieces

15/01/2019

01:46

I don’t know if I’ll get better. Or if I’ll live long enough to finish my before I die list. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a friend like Leonard or meet someone who makes me feel the way reading Tigerlily does. I don’t know a lot of things.

But I do know I want to hold on. And I hope that I am strong enough to. I don’t know how long it’ll take for the scars to fade, or if I even want them to. But I do know that I live in a world where people like Leonard exist and that gives me hope.

I know nobody is planning on swooping in and saving me, for two reasons. One, I’m not a damsel in distress and two, the only person who will ever save you is yourself. I feel like that’s the only way I won’t relapse,getting better for the right reasons.

I don’t really know how to feel about a million little pieces but I know that it did something for me, and I don’t think I can quite put into words something I don’t understand yet.

But it was special, in its on way. Not like The Catcher In The Rye or Tigerlily or The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, books which mean everything and more to me.

It has it’s own special place in my heart.

I want to get better. I want to get better. Fuck. I want to get better.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

And it’s too late for a quote stolen off of Pinterest to save me now, or maybe even for love letters to myself. I think I need to accept and move on and be analytical and firm if that makes sense?

 My mental health is still being figured out and I’ll probably be recovering for the rest of my life but I do know what I need to do to get to the point I want to be at. And if I get there and I’m not happy then maybe I’ll give up. But for now I’m holding on. Partly for myself, partly because a part of me feels like I owe it to Leonard, a man I never even knew.

But I find it cool how you don’t even have to know someone and they can change your life. Impact you in ways you didn’t think were possible. I will grit my teeth and I will slug it.

I will take the bullshit if that means someday I’ve got my own apartment doing whatever the fuck makes me happy and that list gets completed.

I will pick up the million little pieces of myself and put them back together. Differently this time. I’ll do it my way. A million little pieces, and I can be whatever I want to be.

There is no blame.

Just a choice. Yes or no. A decision, I’ll have to make over and over again. To get better.

And I hope I choose yes.

I hope I choose to hold on.

For myself. And for a man I never knew.


I finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey a while ago and I got the urge to write this the second I finished it.

I’m fine… I think

 

23:00

09/02/2019

It’s one of those nights where I’ve been reading your posts because at times like this they’re the only things that make me feel better, the reason I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I have all these feelings. They seem so much bigger than me. So hard for me to handle. Some days I wonder what’ll happen when I finally explode and what it’ll be like to have my feelings scattered on the floor like confetti, for everyone to see.

I want to shove everything into a box and just have everything stop for a minute. Sometimes the idea of being cold hearted seems better than having all these feelings. I write that a lot you know. I want things to stop. I need everything to just stop for a minute. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop. I write that a lot, all the time actually.

Maybe, someday things won’t hurt so much and I won’t cry at 11pm anymore.

Maybe.


My mood exhaust me. All of this exhausts me. I just need the whole world to stop for a bit, does that make sense? Long enough for me to just breathe and not feel like I’m drowning and my head’s full and stuffy and I’m just so. friggen. tired.

I hate school. I hate feeling trapped in school, in this life, in my mind. I just want a break from it all. Is that too much to ask for?

women empowerment tag

The Rules:

  1. What does women empowerment mean to you?
  2. What woman/women do you most admire? Why?
  3. Share with us a story, drawing, or video that you think says “empowered women.”
  4. Share with us the best lesson you’ve learned in leadership
  5. What cause do you most want to bring awareness to? Why?/What does it mean to you?
  6. Tag 5 inspirational, powerful women to do the same.
  7. Link your post to https://mylifelines.co/women-wednesday-women-empowerment-tag
  8. Tag us on Twitter (@my_lifelines) and/or Instagram (@mylifelines_) with #WomenWednesday.

 

What does women empowerment mean to you?

I honestly use this quote so much but I feel like it just puts everything into perspective and it’s kind of exactly what I’m trying to get at

“Teach girls less about fitting into glass slippers and more about shattering glass ceilings”

I refuse to be a woman in a box, in a category, I’m not here to please anyone. I’m not here to conform to anybody’s standards but my own. And to me, women empowerment is all about breaking the barriers that not just other people, but us, as women put on ourselves.

What woman/women do you most admire? Why?

Chloe

I’ve mentioned Chloe before in my “my favoruite bloggers”  that I did a while back. She’s strong and she’s bold and one of the most incredible people I know.

I have a lot of feelings. I’ve always been the type of person who feels in 14ft waves, my emotions are big and messy and untameable and as much as I love that , I have so many moments where I wish everything could just stop and I could feel the way everybody else feels and my emotions wouldn’t be so deep.

And 12 year old me stumbles upon Chloe’s blog. And Chloe is one of the only people I know who knows what that’s like, and her word brings me so much happiness and comfort and her whole blog and everything about her is just super special. That being said, she’s also really sweet.

Claire

My cake sister, my writing buddy and so much more! I recently wrote a post about her new series The Dating Process, you can find it here. Feminism and women empowerment is a major theme in the series and I loved it to bits. She’s constantly inspiring me, and encouraging me and it’s super hard to describe how much she means to me because I can never find the right words or phrase it well enough. I look up to her so much and I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if it wasn’t for her.

Gayle

Half model, half angel. 100% someone I look up to and aspire to be like.Since day one she has been a constant source of inspiration, she’s always so keen to empower others and help and give advice. Her work ethic is incredible, she puts her all into everything she does and it shows when people respond to her writing or even just her as an individual.

And it’s not just that, in the short time I’ve known her she’s become one of my closest friends.

We recently collaborated together so go check out my guest post on her blog Answering Assumptions About Mental Health and her Friday 6PM post

Emily

I’m going to try my best to not ramble on

and on

and on

about how much of a queen Emily is. I started following on Emily a while ago, it was around the time that I decided I only wanted to follow people that inspired me and made me want to be better and were similar minded. And I don’t even remember how, but I stumbled upon Emily’s Instagram but after looking at her Instagram stories and her posts my mind instantly went ‘this is the type of person i want to be able to say i am’.

She’s funny and sassy and real and relatable, she’s another incredible writer on my very long list of favourites.

She speaks out about the things that matter to her, one of which is mental health, something which you all know is super important to me. And she’s one of the people who gave me the confidence to start speaking out about my mental health and mental health in general. Which I am so so thankful for.

 

Other badass women:

Leilani Münter; Sophia Bush; Hayley Kiyoko; Kenzie Brenna; Gracie;

 

Share with us a story, drawing, or video that you think says “empowered women.”

 

Share with us the best lesson you’ve learned in leadership

Everybody has their own strengths. And I think one of the most important things you could do would be to give everybody an opportunity to showcase them.

Also communication is really important.

What cause do you most want to bring awareness to? Why?/What does it mean to you?

Mental health. I can already tell it’s something I will advocate for, for the rest of my life. I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember and I want to make sure that I build a community where people feel comfortable talking about their mental health and emotions and thoughts and understand that they are valid, regardless of what anybody else may tell them.

I want to educate people and raise funds for people who can’t afford therapy or medication.

I remember how hard things were for before I found blogging and even now I still have really awful moments where I go to really dark places and I don’t want that to ever be something anybody has to go through. And if it is, then I will do whatever I can to help and be there for those people. Always.

But other than that:

Violence against women; violence against POC, violence against the LQBTQ+ community

I tag:

Gracie

Jasper

Gianna

Elina

Anybody else who wants to be a part of this wonderful tag!

xxxChips

*I take no credit for the image used

Answering Your Assumptions on Mental Health (Guest Post by Chips)

A very special collab with an actual angel, her name is Gayle and she means a lot to me xx

Love Her Savvy

Hey savvy gals!

It’s a new day and a new opportunity to chase after your dreams! What are you waiting for? Oh, this amazing post? Okay, understandable.

I was really planning on making a long, dramatic intro for the first guest post of 2019, but that’s not what you beautiful people are here to read about, so let’s get into it, shall we?

Meet Chips, the sweetest blogger you’ll ever run into to and a very dear friend of mine.


Heyyyyyy!

I always have really mixed feelings about writing mental health posts that aren’t about my feelings because I’m the actual worst at giving advice, this however, seemed like something I’d have a really hard time messing up😂

For every assumption there are two opinions, mine and the lovely people who voted in my poll on Twitter because I thought it would be cool to have more than just…

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if we were having cheesecake #1 and #2

This post if going to be long. I wrote the first post in this series in December and then freaked out because I thought I’d posted it and found out I didn’t and I just didn’t post it after because for some reason it made me anxious BUT it’s a new year and I’m happy and I can explain why without giving you an insight into what December was like for me.

Written:December 2018

HEYOOO

So I’ve been wracking my brain for something to write for the past few days. Mainly because none of my content is pre-planned and I tend not to write if I don’t have inspiration. Which is a blessing and a curse, because I like that my writing is emotion driven and the only way I can really do that is by not planning posts in advance but at the same time there’s always gonna be a possibility of me not posting for ages because of school or like personal stuff.

Basically, I’ve been kind of stuck and I was looking at some blogs trying to find inspiration,which I did btw (we’ll see how long that lasts) and I came across these ‘if we were having coffee’ posts. The idea is pretty simple, it’s basically like a chatty update.

Previous Chatty Update Posts

Chatty Update(again!)

a bit of a mental health update

CHATTY UPDATE

So whilst I do drink a crazy amount of coffee, when people who have followed my blog for a bit (lmao such a huge assumption) hear my name it’s associated with my obsession with cake. Which is why I was like, forget about coffee, let’s focus on something important and decided to call this ‘if we were having cheesecake’.

I’m kind of a genius

ok GIF by yvngswag

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about my unpopular opinions.

Like how marshmallows taste weird, and Joey and Rachel were the better couple. How movie remakes are ruining my childhood memories, and how tea has literally no taste whatsoever and therefore coffee will always be better.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m concerned about my memory

I write posts and publish them and then half an hour later have absolutely no recollection of what I wrote and I’m only 14. That’s not normal, is it?

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I haven’t really been sleeping

And I 100% blame it on my racing thoughts and that I get really stressed and anxious at night and have to drink coffee in order to calm down. Scientifically speaking, which I shouldn’t even be saying since I can’t do science lol, your brain never stops working but  it feels like mine is in overdrive. Two nights ago, I literally went through my life plan in detail for like 5 hours when I should’ve been sleeping and then I just walked around the house because my thoughts just couldn’t shut up.

If we were having cheesecake…I’d tell you that my phone got stolen a few weeks ago

It’s taking ages for the police to track down and the thought of not getting it back makes me nauseous. All my stuff is backed upon iCloud but you need a verification code to log in, and that code just happens to be sent to my phone whenever I want to log in.I have over a thousand notes from this year alone, and the idea of losing that feels like losing myself entirely. I’m not worried abut my contacts, it takes two seconds to DM my friends and ask for their numbers but I don’t think I would handle losing all those notes, and it worries me, because I can genuinely see how far back that would set my recovery.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’ve been in a slump lately

And that makes me feel pathetic. Even though I know it happens to everybody. It feels like everybody is happy, and I know that is the furthest thing from the truth and there are thousands of people who wear masks everyday but it doesn’t feel like that, it feels like I am alone. And it’s not like I can’t reach out, I mean can I talk to my family about it, not really. Do I have friends that would be more than willing to help me and talk to me and be there for me, yes. But I don’t want to be that person. And I know that everybody needs help and that doesn’t make me weak or any less of an independent person but I don’t want to be this huge burden to my friends. Not when I have feelings that are so much larger than myself and thoughts that keep me up all night and a million insecurities and I can’t stay happy for more than five seconds before I slip into periods of depression or anger, not when I have moods with more twists and turns than a rollercoaster.

And maybe it’s because I have this deep rooted fear that they’ll eventually abandon me, that I’ve been lugging around since grade 2. Who knows?

But that being said I think it’s crazy how my double standards work. Tbh, I rarely give advice. I don’t know how to. Which is why I feel like the whole writing about my feelings thing, works. Like I’m probably never going to be able to give you advice but I feel like the reason people say I “help” them is because they somehow learn something from my rambles and from my experiences but that being said if I was to tell you that I’d always be there for you. I’d mean it wholeheartedly. And when i say that i mean call me at 2am, DM me, text me, whatever. If you need someone, I will 100% be there to support you regardless of what’s going in my life. I know a lot of my friends are the same way.

But when people say that to me, at first I’ll be like I definitely will and in the moment I do mean it. But then when I need it, all my insecurities come into play and I won’t talk to anyone about it. I mean I’ll probably write about it, occasionally post it on here but apart from that I literally won’t say a word.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you I had no idea this post would end up being so depressing.


 

Now fast forward to today, it’s the 2 February and I should be at school attending the compulsory tuition for grade 9’s BUT I don’t sleep during the week and I wasn’t about to haul myself to school on a Saturday.

Mood summary: I’m happy, lowkey stressed but I’m at a 2016 level of happiness and that’s major!

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m so glad I decided to start Friday 6PM. That it’s been amazing interacting with everyone who’s participated, and learning from other people’s stories and that it makes me happy because I’ve wanted this for so long and it wouldn’t have been possible without you, so thank you!

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about how grade 9 is hard. I’m coping with everything except math. My teacher didn’t even start from the beginning of the textbook, he flipped to a random chapter and started teaching and I’m so frustrated. Basically this week I’ve done NOTHING in math class. Not that he didn’t teach, I didn’t understand. I generally don’t do math in class because not understanding it frustrates me and makes me feel like a total failure and I rarely cry over school but the times that I have, have been because of my inability to do math. Which is why all my classwork gets completed at home in case I feel a need to cry because I don’t cry in front of people. So yeah, math is hard and business studies is stupid, all of  it makes less sense than it did before and I have a science test on Monday.

I’ve never wanted to be online schooled more.

If we were having cheesecake... I’d tell you my phone got replaced, even though a year’s worth of thoughts and feelings and writing is still gone, I’m okay. And I’m back on Snapchat so go add me, my recent on Instagram was super cute too. So go show it some love.

wp-1549092583799.jpg

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you about how I’m no longer in a slump. I have a ton of creative energy and I’ve been working on my WIP  and I have a collab coming up soon. And I wrote a short little piece on what feminism means to me for Olivia’s other blog ‘Faces of Feminism’, you can find it here!

But for now school still exists and I should be studying.

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)