Journal, Thoughts, Writing

my thoughts on the terrorist attack in New Zealand

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself to talk about whatever I wanted to as openly and raw and real as possible. And somewhere in this promise, right at the end actually, I made a promise to myself to talk about everything except race and religion.

For a few reasons

a) I’m not as educated on these topics as I would like to be

b) There’s a bunch of backlash that comes with talking about those two things

c) As much as I believe those are both things that should be talked about, it also tends to divide people and I didn’t want this space to be like that. I wanted to have a space that didn’t have anything to do with either of those topics, a space where none of those things had to matter.

I say this a lot but I truly have grown a lot since I started blogging and there have been things going on for some time now that I’ve continued to ignore on here, for the same three reasons I gave above.

And I can’t do that anymore.

 

“You cannot be an ally if you shy away from confrontation

-Vianna Goodwin

If you watch the news or you’ve been on Twitter today, there’s a chance you’ve heard about the terrorist attacks in New Zealand. Earlier today, Brenton Tarrant walked into two  mosques in Christchurch New Zealand and proceeded to open fire at the people praying inside the mosques.

So far, there have been 49 killed and 20 seriously injured. The shooter, a 28 year old white man with an 87 page manifesto with anti-immigrant, anti-Muslim ideas.


To everyone who blamed his actions on mental illness I say this:

There is no excuse for a racist, radicalized adult who thinks it’s okay to hurt innocent people. And I would just like to clarify that not every terrorist has a mental illness and not every mental illness makes you violent.

He is not mentally ill, he is a terrorist. It is not just an act of violence, it is terrorism. And there is no excuse, there is no fucking excuse for the crimes he has committed.

Terrorism has no religion. No colour. No country.

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I’m just going to leave this here for you to think about

This is about so much more than just a hashtag. This is about the 49 people who lost their lives today and the 20 others in critical condition.  This about the hate directed towards the Muslim community. To those who live in fear, who are not safe in their homes, in their mosques, in their cars and in their schools. Who go about their daily lives petrified, wondering if each day will be their last.

50 million hashtags or tweets or Instagram captions, may spread awareness, but they will only change so much in the long run.

Read the entire thread. And do something about it.

Your hashtag will not save a life, but taking further action just might.

I don’t want this to just be a headline. Big news today, and then nothing tomorrow until the next terrorist attack.

Here are some ways to support New Zealand’s Muslim community

 

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Thoughts

self lo(ve)(athing)

Might Delete later

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about. Loving and loathing. Myself.

It’s something I’ve been becoming more and more aware of lately. For example recently I posted a photo of myself of my Instagram:

And in this moment, despite the fact that I wasn’t smiling, I was happy. I liked my appearance and how I felt, I liked my edgy hairstyle and the way my cousin’s hoop earings (that I originally didn’t think I could pull off) suited me.

Fast forward to two days later (today) and another cousin of mine and I decide to have a phtoshoot. And at first I’m excited because I feel pretty, and confident and all those other wonderful thigs you should feel when you’re channeling your inner model best friend

But that changes pretty quickly. As I look back on the photos, which I had felt so happy about at first, I begin to notice all the things I hate about myself.

My stomach for one. My flabby, strechy, grossly unattractive stomach.

And so I downloaded FaceTune, which if you don’t know, is a photo editing app where everyone covers up their biggest insecurities not limited to teeth and flabby stomachs.

And halfway through the editing process I paused and I swear in that moment I hated myself a little more.

I’m a big believer that everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to love themselves. And here I was, trying to make my stomach look smaller.

So I stopped and deleted the app. And now I’m hiding out in a room in my aunt’s house, reading some previous Friday 6PM posts on body image as Mac Miller’s voice comforts me.

Thinking about that makes me think about all the times I’ve missed meals (partly because of lack of appetite, partly because I still can’t get the image of how much smaller I used to be out my head) and the other times I would be so sad that I would eat and eat until I felt so disgusted with myself that I would refuse to leave my room.

It just sucks.

I’m so aware of everything I do that I realise in the moment that what I’m doing isn’t healthy and continue to do it anyway.

I mean pro: acknowledging this means I can change that

Con: it still means for now I still lack positive body image

Here is the photo regardless because as much as I hate my body, I’d hate myself more if I didn’t share this regardless

xxxChips

*all credits go the owner for the featured image

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Thoughts

what i’ve been listening to lately

🌙

where do i go? //VAGUE003

“all those, all of the pieces that they’ll, they’ll never show”

the motion //Drake

“when they need a favor from your man, they don’t leave you alone
but i guess that’s just the motion, yeah
….
then that phone doesn’t ring
when they got everything, that’s the motion”

can’t get happy(demo)//kailee morgue

“but my brothers gettin’ taller and I’m only feeling smaller”

“do you think that you could love me if i can’t get happy”

“I’m scared I might fade away if no one tells me I’m okay”

serial killer //Lana del Rey

“do it for the thrill of the rush”

stupid deep //Jon Bellion

“what if all the things i’ve done were just attempts at earning love”

Shutter Island //Jessie Reyez

“My straight jacket’s custom-made though”

“For a second I forgot I was a bad b*tch”

monster(under my bed) //Call Me Karizma

“monster, monster under my bed come out and play ‘coz i need a friend”

sweater weather //The Neighbourhood cover by Korantemaa

“head in the clouds but my gravity’s centered”

dna //Lia Marie Johnson

“they look at me like i look at you”

it’s not you it’s me //bea miller

“i’m leaving you for me”

🌙

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)

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Journal, Thoughts

a million little pieces

15/01/2019

01:46

I don’t know if I’ll get better. Or if I’ll live long enough to finish my before I die list. I don’t know if I’ll ever have a friend like Leonard or meet someone who makes me feel the way reading Tigerlily does. I don’t know a lot of things.

But I do know I want to hold on. And I hope that I am strong enough to. I don’t know how long it’ll take for the scars to fade, or if I even want them to. But I do know that I live in a world where people like Leonard exist and that gives me hope.

I know nobody is planning on swooping in and saving me, for two reasons. One, I’m not a damsel in distress and two, the only person who will ever save you is yourself. I feel like that’s the only way I won’t relapse,getting better for the right reasons.

I don’t really know how to feel about a million little pieces but I know that it did something for me, and I don’t think I can quite put into words something I don’t understand yet.

But it was special, in its on way. Not like The Catcher In The Rye or Tigerlily or The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, books which mean everything and more to me.

It has it’s own special place in my heart.

I want to get better. I want to get better. Fuck. I want to get better.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough.

And it’s too late for a quote stolen off of Pinterest to save me now, or maybe even for love letters to myself. I think I need to accept and move on and be analytical and firm if that makes sense?

 My mental health is still being figured out and I’ll probably be recovering for the rest of my life but I do know what I need to do to get to the point I want to be at. And if I get there and I’m not happy then maybe I’ll give up. But for now I’m holding on. Partly for myself, partly because a part of me feels like I owe it to Leonard, a man I never even knew.

But I find it cool how you don’t even have to know someone and they can change your life. Impact you in ways you didn’t think were possible. I will grit my teeth and I will slug it.

I will take the bullshit if that means someday I’ve got my own apartment doing whatever the fuck makes me happy and that list gets completed.

I will pick up the million little pieces of myself and put them back together. Differently this time. I’ll do it my way. A million little pieces, and I can be whatever I want to be.

There is no blame.

Just a choice. Yes or no. A decision, I’ll have to make over and over again. To get better.

And I hope I choose yes.

I hope I choose to hold on.

For myself. And for a man I never knew.


I finished reading A Million Little Pieces by James Frey a while ago and I got the urge to write this the second I finished it.

I’m fine… I think

 

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23:00

09/02/2019

It’s one of those nights where I’ve been reading your posts because at times like this they’re the only things that make me feel better, the reason I don’t feel so alone. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why I have all these feelings. They seem so much bigger than me. So hard for me to handle. Some days I wonder what’ll happen when I finally explode and what it’ll be like to have my feelings scattered on the floor like confetti, for everyone to see.

I want to shove everything into a box and just have everything stop for a minute. Sometimes the idea of being cold hearted seems better than having all these feelings. I write that a lot you know. I want things to stop. I need everything to just stop for a minute. Make it stop. Please. Make it stop. I write that a lot, all the time actually.

Maybe, someday things won’t hurt so much and I won’t cry at 11pm anymore.

Maybe.


My mood exhaust me. All of this exhausts me. I just need the whole world to stop for a bit, does that make sense? Long enough for me to just breathe and not feel like I’m drowning and my head’s full and stuffy and I’m just so. friggen. tired.

I hate school. I hate feeling trapped in school, in this life, in my mind. I just want a break from it all. Is that too much to ask for?

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Journal, Thoughts, Writing

Don’t Let Go

Adria Tigerlily petrov

After a failed suicide attempt, Cassidy’s doctor recommends she transfers to a new school. Dakota King, the school’s bad boy knows Cassidy’s hiding something and he has every intention of finding out what, but Cassidy’s not the only one dealing with demons…

Read Don’t Let Go


I talked a bit about my WIP here but I was feeling really impulsive today and I was kind of just like, screw waiting I want to scream about this novel/short story/it’s still a total work in progress.

So for those of you who haven’t heard of Wattpad, it’s a really amazing internet community for readers and writers,  where you can publish your writing and read and read other writers work for free.

And as you know I’ve been working on my WIP for a few months, haven’t gotten that far because school exists, but basically I decided to publish what I have written so far on there.

It’s a first draft.

My first ever first draft when it comes to writing an actual story. Keep that in mind, at all times lol.

I’m scared that it’s not as good as I think parts of it are. But also two of my closest friends have read it and they’ve said the most incredible sweet things about it and that made me want to share it with you even more.

Because it’s something I’ve never done before and it’s new to me and exciting and terrifying all at once. But the best things always are.

xxxChips

Lets chat (4)

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women empowerment tag

The Rules:

  1. What does women empowerment mean to you?
  2. What woman/women do you most admire? Why?
  3. Share with us a story, drawing, or video that you think says “empowered women.”
  4. Share with us the best lesson you’ve learned in leadership
  5. What cause do you most want to bring awareness to? Why?/What does it mean to you?
  6. Tag 5 inspirational, powerful women to do the same.
  7. Link your post to https://mylifelines.co/women-wednesday-women-empowerment-tag
  8. Tag us on Twitter (@my_lifelines) and/or Instagram (@mylifelines_) with #WomenWednesday.

 

What does women empowerment mean to you?

I honestly use this quote so much but I feel like it just puts everything into perspective and it’s kind of exactly what I’m trying to get at

“Teach girls less about fitting into glass slippers and more about shattering glass ceilings”

I refuse to be a woman in a box, in a category, I’m not here to please anyone. I’m not here to conform to anybody’s standards but my own. And to me, women empowerment is all about breaking the barriers that not just other people, but us, as women put on ourselves.

What woman/women do you most admire? Why?

Chloe

I’ve mentioned Chloe before in my “my favoruite bloggers”  that I did a while back. She’s strong and she’s bold and one of the most incredible people I know.

I have a lot of feelings. I’ve always been the type of person who feels in 14ft waves, my emotions are big and messy and untameable and as much as I love that , I have so many moments where I wish everything could just stop and I could feel the way everybody else feels and my emotions wouldn’t be so deep.

And 12 year old me stumbles upon Chloe’s blog. And Chloe is one of the only people I know who knows what that’s like, and her word brings me so much happiness and comfort and her whole blog and everything about her is just super special. That being said, she’s also really sweet.

Claire

My cake sister, my writing buddy and so much more! I recently wrote a post about her new series The Dating Process, you can find it here. Feminism and women empowerment is a major theme in the series and I loved it to bits. She’s constantly inspiring me, and encouraging me and it’s super hard to describe how much she means to me because I can never find the right words or phrase it well enough. I look up to her so much and I wouldn’t be the person I am today, if it wasn’t for her.

Gayle

Half model, half angel. 100% someone I look up to and aspire to be like.Since day one she has been a constant source of inspiration, she’s always so keen to empower others and help and give advice. Her work ethic is incredible, she puts her all into everything she does and it shows when people respond to her writing or even just her as an individual.

And it’s not just that, in the short time I’ve known her she’s become one of my closest friends.

We recently collaborated together so go check out my guest post on her blog Answering Assumptions About Mental Health and her Friday 6PM post

Emily

I’m going to try my best to not ramble on

and on

and on

about how much of a queen Emily is. I started following on Emily a while ago, it was around the time that I decided I only wanted to follow people that inspired me and made me want to be better and were similar minded. And I don’t even remember how, but I stumbled upon Emily’s Instagram but after looking at her Instagram stories and her posts my mind instantly went ‘this is the type of person i want to be able to say i am’.

She’s funny and sassy and real and relatable, she’s another incredible writer on my very long list of favourites.

She speaks out about the things that matter to her, one of which is mental health, something which you all know is super important to me. And she’s one of the people who gave me the confidence to start speaking out about my mental health and mental health in general. Which I am so so thankful for.

 

Other badass women:

Leilani Münter; Sophia Bush; Hayley Kiyoko; Kenzie Brenna; Gracie;

 

Share with us a story, drawing, or video that you think says “empowered women.”

 

Share with us the best lesson you’ve learned in leadership

Everybody has their own strengths. And I think one of the most important things you could do would be to give everybody an opportunity to showcase them.

Also communication is really important.

What cause do you most want to bring awareness to? Why?/What does it mean to you?

Mental health. I can already tell it’s something I will advocate for, for the rest of my life. I’ve struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember and I want to make sure that I build a community where people feel comfortable talking about their mental health and emotions and thoughts and understand that they are valid, regardless of what anybody else may tell them.

I want to educate people and raise funds for people who can’t afford therapy or medication.

I remember how hard things were for before I found blogging and even now I still have really awful moments where I go to really dark places and I don’t want that to ever be something anybody has to go through. And if it is, then I will do whatever I can to help and be there for those people. Always.

But other than that:

Violence against women; violence against POC, violence against the LQBTQ+ community

I tag:

Gracie

Jasper

Gianna

Elina

Anybody else who wants to be a part of this wonderful tag!

xxxChips

*I take no credit for the image used

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