Journal, Thoughts

if we were having cheesecake #1 and #2

This post if going to be long. I wrote the first post in this series in December and then freaked out because I thought I’d posted it and found out I didn’t and I just didn’t post it after because for some reason it made me anxious BUT it’s a new year and I’m happy and I can explain why without giving you an insight into what December was like for me.

Written:December 2018

HEYOOO

So I’ve been wracking my brain for something to write for the past few days. Mainly because none of my content is pre-planned and I tend not to write if I don’t have inspiration. Which is a blessing and a curse, because I like that my writing is emotion driven and the only way I can really do that is by not planning posts in advance but at the same time there’s always gonna be a possibility of me not posting for ages because of school or like personal stuff.

Basically, I’ve been kind of stuck and I was looking at some blogs trying to find inspiration,which I did btw (we’ll see how long that lasts) and I came across these ‘if we were having coffee’ posts. The idea is pretty simple, it’s basically like a chatty update.

Previous Chatty Update Posts

Chatty Update(again!)

a bit of a mental health update

CHATTY UPDATE

So whilst I do drink a crazy amount of coffee, when people who have followed my blog for a bit (lmao such a huge assumption) hear my name it’s associated with my obsession with cake. Which is why I was like, forget about coffee, let’s focus on something important and decided to call this ‘if we were having cheesecake’.

I’m kind of a genius

ok GIF by yvngswag

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about my unpopular opinions.

Like how marshmallows taste weird, and Joey and Rachel were the better couple. How movie remakes are ruining my childhood memories, and how tea has literally no taste whatsoever and therefore coffee will always be better.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m concerned about my memory

I write posts and publish them and then half an hour later have absolutely no recollection of what I wrote and I’m only 14. That’s not normal, is it?

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I haven’t really been sleeping

And I 100% blame it on my racing thoughts and that I get really stressed and anxious at night and have to drink coffee in order to calm down. Scientifically speaking, which I shouldn’t even be saying since I can’t do science lol, your brain never stops working but  it feels like mine is in overdrive. Two nights ago, I literally went through my life plan in detail for like 5 hours when I should’ve been sleeping and then I just walked around the house because my thoughts just couldn’t shut up.

If we were having cheesecake…I’d tell you that my phone got stolen a few weeks ago

It’s taking ages for the police to track down and the thought of not getting it back makes me nauseous. All my stuff is backed upon iCloud but you need a verification code to log in, and that code just happens to be sent to my phone whenever I want to log in.I have over a thousand notes from this year alone, and the idea of losing that feels like losing myself entirely. I’m not worried abut my contacts, it takes two seconds to DM my friends and ask for their numbers but I don’t think I would handle losing all those notes, and it worries me, because I can genuinely see how far back that would set my recovery.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’ve been in a slump lately

And that makes me feel pathetic. Even though I know it happens to everybody. It feels like everybody is happy, and I know that is the furthest thing from the truth and there are thousands of people who wear masks everyday but it doesn’t feel like that, it feels like I am alone. And it’s not like I can’t reach out, I mean can I talk to my family about it, not really. Do I have friends that would be more than willing to help me and talk to me and be there for me, yes. But I don’t want to be that person. And I know that everybody needs help and that doesn’t make me weak or any less of an independent person but I don’t want to be this huge burden to my friends. Not when I have feelings that are so much larger than myself and thoughts that keep me up all night and a million insecurities and I can’t stay happy for more than five seconds before I slip into periods of depression or anger, not when I have moods with more twists and turns than a rollercoaster.

And maybe it’s because I have this deep rooted fear that they’ll eventually abandon me, that I’ve been lugging around since grade 2. Who knows?

But that being said I think it’s crazy how my double standards work. Tbh, I rarely give advice. I don’t know how to. Which is why I feel like the whole writing about my feelings thing, works. Like I’m probably never going to be able to give you advice but I feel like the reason people say I “help” them is because they somehow learn something from my rambles and from my experiences but that being said if I was to tell you that I’d always be there for you. I’d mean it wholeheartedly. And when i say that i mean call me at 2am, DM me, text me, whatever. If you need someone, I will 100% be there to support you regardless of what’s going in my life. I know a lot of my friends are the same way.

But when people say that to me, at first I’ll be like I definitely will and in the moment I do mean it. But then when I need it, all my insecurities come into play and I won’t talk to anyone about it. I mean I’ll probably write about it, occasionally post it on here but apart from that I literally won’t say a word.

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you I had no idea this post would end up being so depressing.


 

Now fast forward to today, it’s the 2 February and I should be at school attending the compulsory tuition for grade 9’s BUT I don’t sleep during the week and I wasn’t about to haul myself to school on a Saturday.

Mood summary: I’m happy, lowkey stressed but I’m at a 2016 level of happiness and that’s major!

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m so glad I decided to start Friday 6PM. That it’s been amazing interacting with everyone who’s participated, and learning from other people’s stories and that it makes me happy because I’ve wanted this for so long and it wouldn’t have been possible without you, so thank you!

If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about how grade 9 is hard. I’m coping with everything except math. My teacher didn’t even start from the beginning of the textbook, he flipped to a random chapter and started teaching and I’m so frustrated. Basically this week I’ve done NOTHING in math class. Not that he didn’t teach, I didn’t understand. I generally don’t do math in class because not understanding it frustrates me and makes me feel like a total failure and I rarely cry over school but the times that I have, have been because of my inability to do math. Which is why all my classwork gets completed at home in case I feel a need to cry because I don’t cry in front of people. So yeah, math is hard and business studies is stupid, all of  it makes less sense than it did before and I have a science test on Monday.

I’ve never wanted to be online schooled more.

If we were having cheesecake... I’d tell you my phone got replaced, even though a year’s worth of thoughts and feelings and writing is still gone, I’m okay. And I’m back on Snapchat so go add me, my recent on Instagram was super cute too. So go show it some love.

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If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you about how I’m no longer in a slump. I have a ton of creative energy and I’ve been working on my WIP  and I have a collab coming up soon. And I wrote a short little piece on what feminism means to me for Olivia’s other blog ‘Faces of Feminism’, you can find it here!

But for now school still exists and I should be studying.

xxxChips

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Journal, Thoughts

its not 11:11 but here’s my one wish for you in 2019

In 2019,

I hope that whatever happens you choose to love yourself and be happy. And not give up when you feel like those aren’t options anymore. You’re incredible, even if you don’t see that yet. I believe in you

I love you endlessly

xxxChips

Thank you for putting up with me, and loving me and caring and being you. Thank you for being the reason I didn’t give up completely, and for being the reason I got back up. I appreciate you. And you will always be more than just a pretty face.

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Journal, Thoughts

a bit of a mental health update

I don’t want sympathy on this post, I really don’t. I just need someone to understand that whilst they’re days when I feel capable of doing anything, I still have days where I lie in bed thinking about how I don’t like my body, and how I’ll never catch up with school and how I wish I had something to say instead of having to constantly write posts like these when I feel like I’m drowning or overwhelmed.

I just, wanted things to happen a certain way this year and that didn’t happen, and now I find myself in between a mix of self love and acceptance and hating everything about myself.

And I can’t help but think, life shouldn’t be this hard, why is it so hard, why is happiness something I feel like I have to chase after?

But I have no way of answering that.

Recently I went to see a psychologist, my first one since moving and it was one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had. An hour of her invalidating my every emotion, and then her trying to discredit my diagnosis and saying I was more or less trying to make a big deal out of things.

I have only felt an anger that extreme at one other point in my life.

From the very beginning I’d been unsure about finding help in this country, and if I doubted I would get help whilst I was here before, well now I’m certain.

For those of you who don’t know, the official diagnosis I was given was Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified) and basically what that means is that whilst I don’t meet the criteria for Bipolar 1 or 2 the changes in my mood are still significant enough to be considered “abnormal”.

And whilst I was medicated for a while, that kind of got put on hold abruptly when I moved. To put it simply my views on medication are as follows:

If it helps: great

If it doesn’t: Maybe it’s not for you/ you need a different dosage or different medication

And since we’re on the topic of medication, there’s a few things I wanted to say,

I feel like a lot of people have felt like they were in a position to judge or make comments about me being medicated when they weren’t. See, the thing is UNLESS YOU ARE THE ONE STRUGGLING, 99.9% OF THE TIME YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THE PERSON WHO IS unless you’re a medical professional, and even they mess it up sometimes.

So here’s what you shouldn’t do when you find out someone struggles with mental health problems and/or find out someone is taking prescribed medication to help them cope with those problems:

  • tell them they don’t need it
  • tell them they’re over-reacting/faking their issues
  • tell them that they’re too young to have all these issues
  • call it a phase

(all of which someone has said to me at one point or another)

Because none of the things listed above are helpful, or supportive or kind. They come from a place of ignorance and lack of understanding.

So instead of invalidating their feelings, tell them you’re glad they’re taking steps to get help. Tell them that you’re there to support them, and listen to them if they ever need someone to talk to, and then remind them, because it’s so easy to forget.

xxxChips

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Friday 6PM, Journal

FRIDAY 6PM

FRIDAY 6PM (1)

It’s been a hot minute since I last posted anything BUT I have an excuse perfectly good reason. I’ve had this idea in my head for a while now and I’ve been trying to tie up a bunch of loose ends surrounding it because when this launches I want it to be every bit as raw and real and incredible as I’ve been envisioning it for the past 2 months.

I started blogging because I needed a space where I didn’t feel restricted when it came to voicing my opinions and sharing my emotions and I found that, I found this amazing community of people who’ve changed my perspective about and opened my eyes to a lot of things.

I’m a better person because of those people.

From the very beginning, mental health was always something I wanted to talk about because it’s something very close to my heart and something I’ve struggled with for a very long time. Right from the get go I told myself that someday I would talk about my own issues, that, I would do it regardless of what anybody else thought because it needs to talked about. It’s something millions, if not billions of people struggle with and there’s still such a lack of understanding and awareness and of course, a stigma surrounding it.

Friday 6PM

~A series coming out in 2019 where I interview people~

We talk about things like identity, self care, loneliness, therapy, disability, high school experiences, stress, bullying, toxic relationships, friends, anxiety, depression, body image, middle school, self love and their lives(goals, who they are etc.)- that and pretty much anything else you can think of related to mental health or life

The goal, I would say, is to talk about the things that matter to us, to have a place where it’s okay to start a conversation and you don’t have to tiptoe around a subject. I can’t possibly do this alone though so, if you could:

a) Comment the name and links of someone you’d like me to interview, this can be anyone (that includes you)

and

b) Ask a question, about one of the above topics or any other question you want answered in the comments

it would mean a whole lot

xxxChips

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Journal, Midding, Thoughts, Writing

Dear Charliee-Rose #2

Dear Charliee

Today I met someone, well yesterday actually.

-2018/10/17

She’s unconventionally beautiful and it’s just… I’ve never felt that kind of instant connection to someone IRL, she radiates warmth like her name is the very definition of summer, talking to her feels familiar, exciting. She’s got this gorgeous soul and you can tell she’s genuinely interested in making you feel loved and comfortable. With her it’s like free falling but you know she’ll always catch you. She speaks four languages, Turkish, Turkmen, English and Russian and I think that’s pretty cool-that she took the time to learn all that. She wants to be an English teacher someday, and that made me really happy, idk why, maybe it’s completely unrelated, but for as long as I can remember my English teachers have always been the most inspirational, creative, wonderful human beings. I had a 15 minute conversation with her, and that’s short but she changed a lot of things for me and not many people have that ability. She makes me want to be better

-a conversation with M

x

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Dear Charliee-Rose #1

Dear Charliee

Sometimes I stop processing things, and other times my thoughts are so large I feel like my head is this infinite space I have no way of fully exploring and finding out more about. I get these dreams sometimes, they make my head spin and when I wake up everything goes fuzzy ’round the edges and it’s like for a second, just one second, despite it all, everything’s perfect.

And then I write them down because… Charliee, I want every atom in me to remember.

-2018/09/12

I haven’t been dreaming lately and I miss that. I miss waking up with a slightly achy feeling in my heart and a ghost of a smile on my lips at the memory of how real everything felt in the moment. Like the sky could’ve been pouring down gasoline but the memory would make everything perfect

x

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Chatty update (again!)

Heyooo!

!!Trigger Warning!!

I honestly feel like I haven’t really sat down and just blurted stuff out in ages, which is why today you’re getting yet another chatty update. The past few months have been hectic and such a blur and I genuinely don’t think that’ll be settling down anytime soon.

I haven’t really shared anything that I really and truly was proud of this year apart from a few posts, boy talk, of course being one of the posts I’m majorly proud of, but I really and truly haven’t felt like a good blogger in a while because I couldn’t bring myself to write as much as I used to. In saying that I don’t mean putting out a million posts a week, I mean that, the posts I did write were incredibly short and I have never in my life written a long post, apart from my Get To Know Me|Q+A|REFLECT WITH ME, but the posts were incredibly short and it annoyed me to bits but at the same time it was the best I could’ve given you all in the head space I was in. And don’t ask what type of head space it was coz I still have no clue. The past 8 or so months have honestly been such a rollercoaster and I feel like my writing was definitely a reflection of that and it’s always been really obvious how many times my mood changed as you were reading one post but honestly, I was just… such a mess.

To quickly summarize the past few months of 2018, so you understand a bit more about what was going on, I’ll start with January, I guess.

I started the year off in Australia on holiday and because I couldn’t get a flight back home sooner, I ended up going to high school two weeks later than everyone else. I was in boarding school for the first 3 months of the year and it was a really traumatic experience for me. I was severely depressed and suicidal and I went though long periods of dissociation and it got to this point where, I pretty much, just stopped talking. I didn’t try in school at all, I couldn’t have cared less about doing my homework or doing classwork or paying attention in class and it was really scary to say the least.

April came around and after having a major breakdown at my boarding school at around 10pm, the school called my Mum. I’m not going to go into much detail because the last thing I want is to trigger anyone but I was scared for my life and I was absolutely hysterical, which is understandable given the situation. My Mum ended up having to come fetch me at around midnight and about 5 days later I was booked into rehab for numerous things but self-harm being the main one.

Around this time in April I didn’t really post anything because I didn’t have my phone and I was very much focused on learning to manage… life, I guess. I was put on medication and the suicidal thoughts went away and I began to talk again, thanks to all the lovely people I met in rehab who helped me learn to love myself again and helped me find confidence again, I still have a really hard time talking to people but it’s definitely a lot better now than it was.

I got out of rehab and one of the first things I did was write a letter. It was a letter for someone who had broken my heart multiple times and I still cared and still do care about quite a friggen lot actually. It was definitely one of the longest things I have ever written, anyway, I sent it off and long story short I sent it off to this person and ended up shattered again, not because this person did anything wrong but because I felt like I had made a huge mistake and I relapsed.

The next few months after that were very… confusing. I had no idea what I was doing with my life and it was just really frustrating. I started Klexos during this time (my other blog), it was this blank canvas that I could make a mess of, and I did, because nothing I felt like saying seemed good enough for this blog at the time.

We’re just gonna fast forward to today, what’s already happened, and what I think is happening and because tbh when am I actually ever certain of anything?

-I moved countries (this happened like 3 weeks ago and I thought was on holiday but nope)

-That means I’m starting at a new school with a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT curriculum and might possibly have to redo Grade 8 (I’m not quite sure how I feel about that yet)

-I’ve just discovered that I can write as much as I used to (and that feels fantastic!)

-I’m capable of making friends (after the whole boarding school experience I was really unsure of the possibility of me ever making deep connections with people, something I’ve always struggled with but, even more so after that HOWEVER lately I’ve been talking to some people and they’ve become really special to me and I’m not completely hopeless in the friends department after all)

-I wanna bring back Girlboss/ Guyboss but have it be completely updated and different just AMAZING

-I wanna share more writing on here (you can now go check all of my poems in the writing section at the top of the home page)

~~~~~~~~~~!~~~~~~~~~

That’s about it for this post really, I hope you enjoyed it! It was really just one of things I needed to put down in physical form, lol this is an online platform but nvm you get the point. Love you loads!!!

xxxChips

You are limitless

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