civil war

Trigger warning:mentions self harm and suicidal ideations

On my best days I scream from rooftops. On my worst I become a shell. The opposite of everything I want to be. I wallow in my thoughts, flounder in my tears, allow myself to become prisoner to my illness. I smile and say ‘I’m okay’, I laugh, I flirt, I am the definition of beautiful madness. And then when everyone goes back to their lives I turn off the lights and bury myself under bedsheets the same way I would be 6 feet under.

And I convince my brain that I’m not okay, that I need to try my coping mechanisms and so I run my hands under cold water and draw on myself with markers till I look like artwork. The world’s definition of beauty. But my eyes betray me. Red not from hash but from war. I am fighting my own mind.

It says Drown. Recovery says Swim. I compromise Float. In between both.

It says Cut. Recovery says Colour. I compromise, Both. I cut anyway tinting my skin red.

It says Stop Breathing. Recovery says Deep breaths. I give short panicky painful I- Can’t-Breathe ones.


“The Civil War!”

“The war we fought against ourselves.”

“You actually studied this?

“I’m living it.”

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17 thoughts on “civil war

  1. “I am the definition of beautiful madness.”

    “You actually studied this?
    “I’m living it.”

    wow.
    insane. absolutely insane. in the most beautiful way. thank you .xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • The last bit “The civil war/You actually studied this/ I’m living it” was from an episode of Girl Meets World, since the first time I watched it I’ve never ever forgotten those words.

      Your kindness as always means the world to me❤ xx

      Liked by 1 person

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