Might Delete later
It’s just something I’ve been thinking about. Loving and loathing. Myself.
It’s something I’ve been becoming more and more aware of lately. For example recently I posted a photo of myself of my Instagram:
And in this moment, despite the fact that I wasn’t smiling, I was happy. I liked my appearance and how I felt, I liked my edgy hairstyle and the way my cousin’s hoop earings (that I originally didn’t think I could pull off) suited me.
Fast forward to two days later (today) and another cousin of mine and I decide to have a phtoshoot. And at first I’m excited because I feel pretty, and confident and all those other wonderful thigs you should feel when you’re channeling your inner model best friend
But that changes pretty quickly. As I look back on the photos, which I had felt so happy about at first, I begin to notice all the things I hate about myself.
My stomach for one. My flabby, strechy, grossly unattractive stomach.
And so I downloaded FaceTune, which if you don’t know, is a photo editing app where everyone covers up their biggest insecurities not limited to teeth and flabby stomachs.
And halfway through the editing process I paused and I swear in that moment I hated myself a little more.
I’m a big believer that everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to love themselves. And here I was, trying to make my stomach look smaller.
So I stopped and deleted the app. And now I’m hiding out in a room in my aunt’s house, reading some previous Friday 6PM posts on body image as Mac Miller’s voice comforts me.
Thinking about that makes me think about all the times I’ve missed meals (partly because of lack of appetite, partly because I still can’t get the image of how much smaller I used to be out my head) and the other times I would be so sad that I would eat and eat until I felt so disgusted with myself that I would refuse to leave my room.
It just sucks.
I’m so aware of everything I do that I realise in the moment that what I’m doing isn’t healthy and continue to do it anyway.
I mean pro: acknowledging this means I can change that
Con: it still means for now I still lack positive body image
Here is the photo regardless because as much as I hate my body, I’d hate myself more if I didn’t share this regardless
*all credits go the owner for the featured image