Thoughts

self lo(ve)(athing)

Might Delete later

It’s just something I’ve been thinking about. Loving and loathing. Myself.

It’s something I’ve been becoming more and more aware of lately. For example recently I posted a photo of myself of my Instagram:

And in this moment, despite the fact that I wasn’t smiling, I was happy. I liked my appearance and how I felt, I liked my edgy hairstyle and the way my cousin’s hoop earings (that I originally didn’t think I could pull off) suited me.

Fast forward to two days later (today) and another cousin of mine and I decide to have a phtoshoot. And at first I’m excited because I feel pretty, and confident and all those other wonderful thigs you should feel when you’re channeling your inner model best friend

But that changes pretty quickly. As I look back on the photos, which I had felt so happy about at first, I begin to notice all the things I hate about myself.

My stomach for one. My flabby, strechy, grossly unattractive stomach.

And so I downloaded FaceTune, which if you don’t know, is a photo editing app where everyone covers up their biggest insecurities not limited to teeth and flabby stomachs.

And halfway through the editing process I paused and I swear in that moment I hated myself a little more.

I’m a big believer that everyone is beautiful and everyone deserves to love themselves. And here I was, trying to make my stomach look smaller.

So I stopped and deleted the app. And now I’m hiding out in a room in my aunt’s house, reading some previous Friday 6PM posts on body image as Mac Miller’s voice comforts me.

Thinking about that makes me think about all the times I’ve missed meals (partly because of lack of appetite, partly because I still can’t get the image of how much smaller I used to be out my head) and the other times I would be so sad that I would eat and eat until I felt so disgusted with myself that I would refuse to leave my room.

It just sucks.

I’m so aware of everything I do that I realise in the moment that what I’m doing isn’t healthy and continue to do it anyway.

I mean pro: acknowledging this means I can change that

Con: it still means for now I still lack positive body image

Here is the photo regardless because as much as I hate my body, I’d hate myself more if I didn’t share this regardless

xxxChips

*all credits go the owner for the featured image

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18 thoughts on “self lo(ve)(athing)

  1. I am NOT lying when I say that you are beautiful…you are so beautiful. We all have things we’d change about ourselves, but you are SO brave to post this and to share your insecurities because, by doing that, you are inspiring others to accept and love themselves just the way they are. So don’t delete this (I mean it’s your choice, but girl you have NOTHING to hide), stay beautiful – inside and out because you are BOTH 💙💖🔥🔥

    Liked by 1 person

    • You absolute sweetheart!! Insecurities get the best of me sometimes, believe it or not this came from the same person who gives herself long motivational “you are a badass” speeches in her bathrrom mirror. Thank you so much for your endless kind words and support❤💙❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • They get the best of us all, lovely, we just gotta stay strong and remember that it’s what’s on the inside that counts (cliché I know but it’s true 😂)
        Yasss to badasses 💙💖😘
        Also, I was going to ask you, have you heard from Gaayle recently? It’s just that I haven’t heard from her in ages and hope she’s alright….??
        Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • I also wanted to say that I’m still really up for getting involved with Friday 6PM when a space opens up. I have a lot on at the moment and I’m sure you’re busy too, but I just wanted to let you know 😊💙💖

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll have your interview finished before the end of the week😊, sorry it’s been taking so long. I’m not normally this scatterbrained🙈

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are literally THE most beautiful and gorgeous girl inside and out, you may as well be an angel. I’m not just saying that because I love you either – you’re genuinely stunning and it breaks my heart when people so beautiful can’t see it themselves, but I understand because I feel exactly the same way about myself when I look at photos and just my appearance in general. There are photos I took years ago that I absolutely hated and thought they were disgusting so I never posted them, but I look at them now and think…what was wrong with them? I looked fine. I actually wish I looked like that now which is crazy because at the time I loathed my appearance and I took it for granted at the time, because there was nothing wrong with the way I looked. You’re brave for sharing this and just know you’re not alone. Sending you lots of love xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • This was just-I-I honestly don’t even know what to say. I really needed to read that and I can’t thank you enough for showing me so much love and light always❤ I love you so so so much❤

      Also I totally get what you’re saying because I experience the same thing but in on-and-off phases. I never used to take photos of myself because I hated my appearance but thinking back on it now, what was wrong with it? Nothing.

      The more I think about it,the more I’m convinced a part of my self loathing comes from all the little comments family members make about my weight. Which tbh, has always bothered me because certain people would rather make comments on my appearance than check if I was okay? And I’m just really curious about how people think that’s okay or even remotely acceptable????

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Sis, when I tell you that you are probably the most gorgeous and kind and amazing and sweethearted and just beautiful person ever, I MEAN IT. Everyone has things they hate about themselves and would go so far to change them, but it’s only until another person looks at them that they realize that these flaws are just small scars that are enhancing them and making them more beautiful and unique. Also, your new edgy hairstyle really suites you. 😀 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • Awww thank you love❤ I agree with everything you said, I mean so many of my friends will be the first to point out all these little things about themselves that they dislike and I’ve always thought they were beautiful and never really seen any of the things they hate as flaws. Sucks that this is so common but I feel like slowly learning to accept those things helps when you start getting into a negative headspace xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Kamber Shaffer says:

    This post and the comments reminds me of an episode of The Tyra Banks Show, where she had women circle all their “flaws” in a photo. All of the women were so beautiful, it was shocking to see all the red circles. When she talked about how we all have things we dislike about ourselves it was really powerful for me. It’s stuck with me all this time. It was actually an episode about how women can be so harsh on each other, but pointing out that we’re just as harsh on ourselves (so we can treat each other, as women, better). The whole episode was just perfect.

    You’re so beautiful… You have no need for any editing.

    Like

  5. Adria I don’t know you but girl you’re beautiful!!!! Everyone has insicurities but we can’t let it get the best of us.
    And believe me i’ve Had problems with body image as well!!! All I’m going to say is it gets better.

    Liked by 1 person

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