Thoughts

Dear x

I haven’t completely made up my mind about how I feel about x after hearing all the rumours that have been circulating about him, and tbh, I feel like I would be happier not doing so, so I won’t. This letter is centred around xxxtentacion’s album 17. I wasn’t even going to insert an intro because I’m bad at those but just thought I’d give you some context. So this is my letter to Jahseh Dwayne Ricardo Onfroy, and the I have nothing else to say, so here goes:

♤♤

Dear X

It’s crazy to think that I probably would’ve never heard of you without one of my close friends. At the time, I was severely depressed and in one of the rare moments that I actually felt comfortable talking about my feelings and explained to her why I self harmed, she suggested that I listen to your music.

I’m sorry to say that your music didn’t numb my depression, my depression numbed me but that’s besides the point. The point is that in a time when I felt like I had nobody except my friends and felt like a burden, even to them, you were there. Your music was there but it felt like more, and it was. It felt like a mutual understanding between two people who felt broken, a promise to be there when it felt like there was nobody else.

I remember crying, the first time I listened to Carry On. At the time I was going through this really complicated thing that was so much more than just friendship between me and this boy. And the truth is, I loved him. I still do, but it’s different now, I once said to someone that I don’t think love ever goes away, it just becomes a different type of love or it’s less intense, I still believe that. Because to me it’s the only logical explanation to why I still run back to him to this day, why he’s the only person who can make me feel better in minutes. Because love love became friendship love.

I tend to get distracted when I write, sorry.

I clung to your music like a piece of driftwood at a time when I was drowning and it was the only thing in sight that could have saved me. I broke down and built myself back together again countlessly as I listened to 17, because that album was so much more than just your thoughts X, every word was one I had never been able to say aloud and it felt like an invasion of my every thought and feeling in the most beautiful way possible.

Because I wasn’t alone anymore. I had you and the millions of other people who had listened to 17 and felt similar to the way I did. And that was enough, that was enough to get me through one of the hardest times of my life. I cannot thank you enough, at a time when I couldn’t see the light you sat with me in the darkness. I totally read that off of Pinterest, but hey, at least I’m honest about it lol.

I never got to see you perform.

But things hurt less because of your music. And when I’m still hurting as Jocelyn Flores blasts through my earphones, I know I’ll be okay someday.

That’s all I ever needed to know.

♤♤

xxxChips

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7 thoughts on “Dear x

  1. This was so beautiful.
    I myself was never able to hear about him until his death unfortunately. But since then he has impacted me in ways I never knew was possible. I am so glad he was able to help you somehow. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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