I feel sad being away from the only place I’ve ever been able to call home. Every catastrophic, tear filled, happy moment had happened there. I found myself and lost myself and got stuck somewhere in between. Most importantly though, I miss my old school, and I’m not talking about the one I was at this year because it was awful, I had a meltdown,self harmed more than I ever had before all in the space of one night and ended up in rehab.
I’m talking about the school I was in from grade 3-7 because the friends family I made at that school have supported me through everything.
And I’m forever grateful for that. I miss seeing them everyday and playing foursquare at break and eating during class and attempting to build our Tech projects.
High school changed all of that. We still talk, but it’s not the same.
Rehab taught me a lot of things. I learned to love myself again because of the friends family I made there.
It’s the reason I left someone I loved, someone toxic to my mental health. It gave me a reason to keep breathing. Reminded me that there will always be people who care about me, people who made me love myself. People to share memes with, and listen to music with and be vulnerable with.
I’m going to be okay.
For me. For the little girls and boys who’ll ever go through anything and need someone.
Because this isn’t a dream I’m willing to give up on.
This is it. The post I didn’t think I would ever write, but I guess this is it. Firstly, I want to say thank you to each and every single one of you. You have been the reason I didn’t give up and you have made me smile and laugh and cry, because I have never felt so loved. Then, I want to say this:I love you. You can message me anytime, because I’ll always be there for you and each and every single one of you means the world to me. I cannot even begin to describe how much you have made my life better, how you have given me a reason to keep going when I wanted to give up completely, how every every moment and memory with each and every single one of you will be forever ingrained in my heart.
This isn’t a goodbye post.
It’s a… I’ll probably write on here again but I’m undecided because I’m an apricot and I love all of you endlessly post.
To be fair the past year has more or less consisted of me… trying to make things go back to how they were before.
And then I came to the realization that, life doesn’t work that way. This realization came to me this morning and I was speechless. Had I really spent more than six months trying to be the person I was last year?
I spent yesterday and today re-organizing my thoughts. If you know me, you know by that I meant I tossed things around randomly until it was chaotic but semi-understandable.
The past two days have consisted of taking photos, writing and music. It’s been exactly what I needed it to be. I have a new blank canvas now, two, actually. And this time, I’m taking a different approach to this whole… what am i even doing with my life crisis. I’ve written 5 blog posts in the past two days, on a completely different blog I created yesterday and it’s become this intricate beautiful mess and it feels really good to not care about if my posts are the way they were a year ago.